I have been a nostalgic mess lately. My last baby looking at colleges has sent me into a sort of tailspin and I sometimes can’t shake the feelings of sadness that creep in when I least expect it. For the past 20-ish years, my life has revolved around these kids. Staying home with them when they were little was an absolute gift. Yes, I’m sure I complained- a lot – about the often repetitive and boring days of feeding, changing, laundry, etc., but  I wouldn’t change a thing. I long for those days now when they were my world and I was theirs. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore the people they are now and I love nothing more than spending time with them, but my world, my days, my life, is so different now. Their lives are their own for the most part. They each have a direction and a plan and I am beyond proud of all 3 of them. I do wonder, though, when they think back to their childhood, what will they remember?……

Will Nicole remember how she would lay on my pregnant stomach every night while I read her Disney stories? Will Michael remember how I fought back the urge to throw up his very first time up at bat in Little League? (He got a hit!!!) Will Dana remember all the play dates at the park with her kindergarten friends and all the lunch dates we had?? I wonder…

I wonder if they realize just how much work goes into being Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. Quite a few times I woke up in the middle of the night horrified that I forgot to put the damn money under the damn pillow. And let’s not forget about the stress of waiting for them to go to sleep so we could set all their gifts up under the tree….. or hide those smelly, oddly colored eggs….. The struggle was REAL. The payoff, of course, was those gorgeous faces all lit up the next morning…worth every ounce of energy expended. Without a doubt….

Will they remember our annual trips to Hershey every Thanksgiving since Dana was 9 months old-and yes, we still go…. The lacrosse tournaments, basketball games, dance recitals, field days, class parties, band concerts, chorus concerts, birthday parties-so many birthday parties….. The time when Nicole asked Michael to ask his grandmother for an American Girl doll because “Oh-Oh” would buy Michael anything he asked for…my very clever Nicole!

What I hope they remember are the hugs and the kisses and the “I love you”s… The crazy laughter at the dinner table all the time…You know, the laughter that becomes contagious until everyone is laughing to the point of tears or stomach pains…The snow days and summers by the pool. Dorney Park, Hershey, Willow Valley, Disney…. The comfort of knowing they have parents and siblings who will always have their backs when things don’t go the way they wanted…

What I want them to know is that while I know I am very far from perfect, nobody on this planet could possibly love them more than I do. I tried so hard from day one to be a good mom. I hope they think I succeeded. I know there were days when I just plain sucked at it,  but I swear I tried. I need them to know how many times I would simply look at them and my heart would physically hurt with the overwhelming love I felt for them. I need them to know how proud they made me every day (not that there weren’t days I may have wanted to strangle them-if we’re being honest).

I hope they don’t only remember the crazy lady who yelled a lot–yes, yes I did. Perhaps if they didn’t have selective hearing at times, I wouldn’t have had to yell?? Who knows.. Dana and her friend Emma sometimes call me scary mommy… I should be offended I think, but I find it kind of funny…I can’t really say it isn’t true sometimes. I’m going to blame it on the fact that I’m just tired…Yeah, that’s it…..

What I need them to know is that no matter how old they get, they will always be my babies. There is nothing…..and I mean NOTHING…. that they could ever do to change the way I feel about them. My love for these 3 beautiful, amazing human beings is seared into my soul. Forever. I will have their backs no matter what. I will be their cheerleader, confidant, safe place….whatever they need. They will never have to doubt my love–it is unconditional and eternal. That, they can count on for sure….

So…do you wonder what your kids will remember when they think about their childhoods?

What do you remember about YOUR childhood?

I wonder…..

Thanks for the read, I truly appreciate it….

Candidly,

Donna