My beautiful grandmother lives in a nursing home. That is a very difficult thing to accept and to deal with. I hate that she is there. I hate going there. I hate what it represents-the end of a life. I go see her as often as I can. It takes a lot out of me to be upbeat and “bubbly” (she calls me bubbly), when I am there. I want to go back in time for so many reasons. That place is one of them.

I walk down the halls and see old people slumped over in their wheel chairs, just waiting to die. Does anyone visit them? Does anyone care? It hurts to walk through that place. I try to block it all out and just look straight ahead, or down at the floor, until I get to her room. It is incredibly depressing.

Usually while I am sitting with my grandmother, an aide or nurse will come into her room for one thing or another. I watch to see how she interacts with them. I always think about how she is treated there. Are they nice to her? Do they take good care of her? Is she afraid of them? There are so many horror stories you hear. If I dwell on those, I panic and can’t stop thinking about it. She’s funny as hell and jokes around with them a lot so I think she’s well liked. Sure hope so..

There are times, when I am there, that she tells me how wonderful they all are and how she loves them. Then there are times when she hates it there and tells me how awful everyone is. There are days when she is ok…..as ok as she can be there, I guess…. and there are days when she says she never thought she’d end up in a place like that. Me either, Nanny. Me either. Those days are the worst. Those are the days that I cry all the way home.

My grandmother is 100 years old. ONE HUNDRED! As amazing as that is, I need a hundred more years with her. I know that’s not possible and I’ll never be ready to accept that. I hate that she is where she is. She shouldn’t be there. She just shouldn’t. I know in my head there wasn’t another viable option, but my heart is angry that she is there. My heart is angry……and broken..

That’s all I’ve got in me today….sorry for the downer 😦

Candidly, and a little bit sad,

Donna