Recent circumstances have caused me to think about things I haven’t thought about before. Do you think it is worse to watch a loved one’s body fail or their mind? From my perspective, as opposed to the loved one’s, I think I would rather their body fail. It’s a crazy thing to think about, but my heart and mind have been going to strange and sad places lately.

The loss of my beloved grandmother in 2020 was beyond devastating to me. The sadness and loss I feel will never go away. My grandmother was 100 years old when she left us. Her body was frail but her mind was still sharp. Yes, she repeated herself a lot, but the conversations we had up until she got sick and passed were priceless. We would talk about her childhood, and mine. To hear her say she loved me was so incredibly good for my psyche. Her excitement at seeing my kids walk in or even recent photos of them was so heart warming. It was everything. The loss of her was, and is, staggering to me, but I will cherish those conversations and visits. Forever.

Another loved one is physically healthy but their mind is not. There will be no conversations about their childhood or mine. No recognition. It is difficult, to say the least, especially because this person was always one of the smartest, strongest and best people I know, and love. Life, and circumstances, prevented me from seeing this person for a while. In that relatively short period, things have changed dramatically. It is a crushing blow, but one I expected. I knew it was coming but avoided thinking about it too much because, well, it was scary.

When I visited the nursing home recently, my loved one was already in bed and very tired. I put the candy I had brought (a favorite) on the table and sat down to watch them sleep for a while. There was very little speaking, but that’s ok. When I left, I touched their face and pushed some of the still gorgeous hair out of the way, kissed the still gorgeous face and said I love you. I will go back, even though there will be no recognition. No reassuring words like I always got from my grandmother. I will go back to see that gorgeous face that somehow never seems to age and to remember on my own…..for both of us…

So my question remains. Which is worse? Truthfully, it all sucks. Nothing can adequately prepare you for this part of life. It is unfair and heart breaking and so difficult to accept. It can bring you to your knees or make you live your life differently, to the fullest.. not sure which way I’ll go yet. Hoping for the latter, but right now I just don’t know…

Until next time….