If I had a time machine, where would I go? I’ve spoken and written often about wishing I could go back in time, and I do wish I could…but if I found out tomorrow that it was possible, where would I go…or should I say, WHEN would I go?

Would I go back to my childhood? To a time when things were so simple…not a care in the world?

Would I go back to my high school years? College?

Would I go back to when I was newly married? The fun, romantic, pre-kid life?

If you know me at all, you know where this is going. You’ve probably known since you read the very first line. I would go back to when my kids were little. Of course. Now the question is…how little? When, exactly? Can I pinpoint a time…..

The new baby time? The intoxicating smell of a baby’s head. Johnson’s baby shampoo, baby magic lotion. The absolute deliciousness of sitting quietly with a sleeping baby in your arms, not wanting to put them down even though you have so much you could be doing while they sleep…

The toddler years? The chubby arms around your neck. The messy but amazing little kisses. The “mommy I love you” that melts your mommy heart…

Then they start school and that mommy heart actually hurts the first time you see their little face in the window of that big yellow bus – and your husband follows that bus all the way to the school to make sure it gets there ok.

Year after year of school, homework, sports, dance, band, field day, birthday parties, holidays, vacations……so many incredible memories, but the time goes so fast. Too damn fast.

You blink and they are in high school and then, horrifyingly, they are off to college. Away. Away from you. Away from the safety of their home. Agonizingly away.

Each time one leaves, the dynamic changes for those left behind. It is hard. It is sad. But this is what we’ve trained them for, right? So it’s good, and it’s exciting, but it sucks too. A lot.

So while I absolutely love the adult people my kids are at this point, because they are, in my humble opinion, quite amazing, I find myself longing for the days of me being their world, and them being mine. It happens more and more lately. It’s almost a physical pain sometimes, accompanied by some inevitable tears.

I worried so much about things that didn’t really matter back then. Rushing through my days, trying to get everything done, as the perfect mother should. What a fool I was. I didn’t savor those days like I should have. I didn’t drink it all in. I didn’t relax and just enjoy them. Enjoy my babies the way I wanted to but felt I couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I spent tons of time with my kids. Quality time. Fun time. I just feel that it wasn’t enough. That I wish I had more. A lot more…

This is why I want to go back. Not to change anything really, but to simply experience it all with a different mind-set. I truly do wish I knew then, what I know now. How fast it all goes. How hard it is to let go…

And so I’ll put this out there – if you know someone who is working on that damn time machine I need, please send them my way asap…

Until next time…

Donna