What is the Mother / Daughter Dynamic? I assume it describes the relationship between a mother and her daughter. As a mother, I am blessed to call my two daughters my best friends. As a daughter…….I am not as lucky. It has been a private shame that weighs heavily on my heart. I do not think I could survive without all three of my kids in my life. I can not imagine a day without seeing, texting or talking to them. To think that any one of them might not want me in their lives would literally kill me. Sounds dramatic, I know, but I also know it’s true. I guess it’s because I live in a world where my mother does not want me in hers.

This wasn’t an overnight occurrence. It has evolved and escalated over the years to the point of no return. I don’t really know why it started, but I do remember the first time I realized something was not right. Family has always been so important to me so this is an incredibly difficult thing to deal with. Sides were never “taken”, so to speak, but I know. I have finally stopped trying to tell my side of things because it is clear it won’t matter or make a difference. People believe what is easier for them, I guess. I have very recently realized this and it hurts. A lot.

Never, ever, would I have imagined myself in this situation. Ever. I had always thought I’d have that one person to call every day to share good things and bad. Every day things. Monumental things. That person you immediately think of when something so big happens and you HAVE to tell them right away. That person you turn to when something unthinkable happens and you desperately need help, a shoulder, an ear. That one person who always loves you unconditionally. No matter what. Who sees the best in you when you can’t. Who lifts you up, when you feel you can’t move forward anymore. Who knows just what to do or say to make it ok. I don’t have that. I don’t think I ever did..

I had always imagined my kids would be so close to my mother, like I was with my grandmother. That we would be together all the time. That my kids would know the same joy I knew as a kid. That did not happen. And it was a choice. Not a choice made by me. Or my kids. I don’t understand it. I never will. I thank God every day for my mother-in-law, who picked up the slack and loved them so much that they didn’t notice what was lacking. At least I hope they didn’t. That’s not to say they didn’t pick up on it. They did. Yes, they have been affected by it, but probably more so because they know how it has hurt me. As adults, they truly get it now.

Something happened several years back that made me think I was losing my mind. A friend lost her mother after a long illness. She was young and beautiful, so full of life and so loved. My friend was devastated. It was difficult to witness. She spoke to her mom every day. Had coffee with her every day. Was so completely lost without her. And I envied her. For real. How insane is that? I envied the deep connection they shared. I envied the fact that she felt such deep pain because their love for each other was so deep. I envied a woman whose mother had died. I felt ashamed and confused, on top of the sadness I felt for my friend. I thought – wow, how lucky is she to have had that bond, to have been loved so deeply by her mother. I could not imagine how that felt. How sad to lose that person. Her person. I envied her.

I have moved beyond thinking there is something wrong with me, that it is my fault. I have had enough people in my life telling me it is not me, and I finally believe them. I will not say I am blameless, although I will never really know what I did wrong, and I will not try to find out anymore. My daughters will never know what it’s like to feel the way I do. Nor will my son. I will not allow it. Ever. I will take my cues from the amazing mothers and grandmothers I know. My kids will always know that there is nothing they could ever do or say to make me stop loving them. To make me not want them in my life. To make me not need them in my life. Nothing. Ever. I think they already know this because I am not her. And they know it. They feel it. And that is good. Our dynamic is incredible, and for that I feel so grateful and blessed….

Thank you for reading….