“Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in the mind”-Dale Carnegie

Lately, maybe within the last year or so, I have noticed that I am afraid of things that I have never been afraid of before. Things I never really thought about in the past. Sometimes it is a little twinge of fear and sometimes it is almost paralyzing.

Driving through an intersection has always made me a little nervous, but now I can’t help but think some idiot is going to run a light and decimate me. In addition to that, I often find myself worrying, while I’m driving, about being in an accident or me actually hitting someone else. Not sure why. It’s strange. I am not a timid driver. Never have been. My extra large vehicle has always made me feel safer on the road, but not so much anymore.

As with most parents, I assume, I am always afraid something is going to happen to one of my kids. This is nothing new for me, however, it seems to have increased exponentially in recent years. I am constantly texting them if I hear sirens close by or see something on Facebook or the news about something happening. I try to be casual like-Hey, where are you right now?-but inside, I’m sometimes freaking out. I knew I should have had them implanted with some gps chip when they were babies. Just kidding….well, kinda….. NOT. To their credit, they usually humor me and respond right away. Always grateful for that.

I think the most debilitating of all right now is my fear of death. At times I seem to dwell on it. I think about what it would do to my kids if something happened to me, God forbid, and how I can’t bear to not be here for them. What if I get sick? What if Bruce does? I am no longer a young mom. I’m not ancient, but still… It’s a real fear. I’m terrified of not being here for my kids. Not being here if they need me. They are not babies any longer but they still need me, right? Sometimes the thought stops me cold and takes my breath away. It passes pretty quickly since I usually have so many other things on my mind as well, but the feeling is always there, gnawing at the back of my mind.

I am pretty sure I can attribute these fears to growing older and all the scary crap I see and hear every day. Getting older actually sucks. I feel very vulnerable in a lot of situations where I used to be confident and almost fearless. It’s a very strange feeling and I don’t like it at all… but I guess there isn’t much I can do about it at this point. It’s either I suck it up and go about my day and my life, or I hide in my house. Clearly the latter is not a viable option… and so I’ll suck it up and move on….and maybe pray a little bit…..

Ok, so this was kind of a downer, no? Sorry, I’ll try to be more upbeat next time. Promise. As always, thanks for reading. Until next time……..

Candidly,

Donna