It has been almost 3 weeks since we lost her and I still can’t believe it. Writing is sometimes therapeutic for me so I apologize in advance for the sad post.

I think about my grandmother every day. Sometimes it is something funny she said or how almost every time I saw her at the nursing home, at some point she would say “it is what it is” to me. I have that tattooed on my arm. She knew what it meant and why I got it. When she would say it, she would always put her arms up in this certain way that she did, that would always make me laugh.

One of the last times I saw her sticks out in my mind. She looked at me while I was talking and said that I was beautiful. It surprised me. A lot. She constantly told me she loved me, but never said that to me. At least not that I can remember in recent years. I thought about that a lot in the days after. I don’t think I’m beautiful. I never have. But for some reason, hearing her say that meant so much. My grandmother was not one to tell you what you wanted to hear. She told you the truth. If she didn’t like you, you knew it. I get that from her I guess.

Hearing her voice always made me feel better. I always hung up smiling when I would call her. I truly believe it was just knowing that she loved me that made all the difference no matter what kind of mood I was in or what was going on. Her voice and her words had some weird calming, comforting power to me. I miss that already. I can’t believe I won’t hear that voice anymore. That hurts tremendously. I saved a video that one of my cousins posted on facebook last week because it was of my grandmother and she was talking. It was a funny video, but it was the voice that I wanted to save. I have watched it over and over. It is not the same.

I think about her every day. At different, random times. Sometimes I am stunned by the fact she is gone. Sometimes I just start to cry. Nicole said it well when she posted about her, saying she can’t believe that when this is over we won’t be going to the nursing home to see her as usual. I feel like I am under water at times. I come up for air and I’m good and going about my day. And then I sink again. Into sadness and anger and denial.  I’m almost 53. I know how lucky I was to have my grandmother with me for so long. I get that. I would never have been ready though. I needed her more than I knew. I needed more time.

I know I will be ok. I know in my head that life will go on. That it has to. Until now, I have not lost anyone who meant so much to me. Lucky me, I know, but this is incredibly difficult. My heart just hurts. A lot….

Please stay safe, friends, and thank you for letting me ramble a little…

With love….

Donna